Meghan's 18th Birthday and yet another huge bitter sweet event.

Today is the day that was planned 3 years ago. You would be taking her for her first tattoo. Who could have imagined the plans would all change to a memorial tattoo.

I felt at such a lose as to how to make this happen.

Meghan decided this picture is what she wanted. Taking the truck out.

I knew that DJ was suppose to be the artist but trying to coordinate the trip seemed to be unsuccessful. I did stay in contact with DJ for guidance and he really did try to guide me but this just wasn't something I was suppose to be helping her make decisions on.

Jenny and Meg went to see Matt and I appreciate his honesty in not feeling comfortable in doing the portrait. He suggested a guy named Christian at Dermagraphics and after looking at his work I felt he could accomplish what we wanted but to be honest I was so scared. I was agreeing for someone to tattoo our little girl that you had never met or even mentioned. What if I agreed and I was making the wrong decision. I knew Chris and I knew you trusted him. In fact this is where you took me for my tattoo (we won't go there, lol) but I was still scared.

You know me, I had to be mama and I emailed Christian with my concerns and what this meant to all of us. He emailed me back and offered some reassurance but I just didn't have the peace I needed. I know you heard me fussing about this being left for me to do and this just was not an area that I am versed in. I guess I was expecting you to send me direction and approval.

We went to meet Christian, and guess what, he was in the room where you took me.

I asked him how many emails he had gotten from mama's in the past. He laughed and said not many, lol.

He was so patient and calm with all of our questions and concerns. I feel that he went the extra mile to make this a special experience for Meghan in spite of the circumstances.

Because it was so important that Meghan got the tattoo on her birthday, he offered to come in on his day off. I truly think he could feel the pain in our hearts this was causing and his compassion was remarkable.

I began to feel a slight ease and could hear you saying, Relax Mama, It Will All Be Good.

When we got there, Meghan's adrenaline was pumping. She had fear mixed with excitement and sadness. As much as she had been told that where she wanted the tattoo was going to be so hard on her, she was determined that she was going to, Man Up, and make you proud. Proud that his little sister could do what many can't do.

Christian shared some laughs with Meg before they started. This was her first signature as a legal adult.

Placement was very important. We wanted your picture closer to her back to signify the fact that you always had her back. but because Meghan is so petite there wasn't alot of room to work with.

On with the IPOD and the tattoo begins....


As I sat there holding Meghan's hand, she was squeezing my hand hard as she was getting use to the needle. She would look at me and I could see the sadness in her eyes. It was not from pain, it was because you were not there. It was then I placed your heart urn in her hand and told her you were there with her and to squeeze the heart and she would be squeezing your hand. After that she calmed down and relaxed.

Halfway through....I really do think that Christian thought that would be all she could take at one time. Not Meghan...she was determined to finish it today.

Thank goodness Christian was so patient that he allowed Miss Text Queen to answer a few messages.

The finished tattoo. It is so hard to get a good picture because of the placement, half on back and around the side to front.

I really do think you would be pleased. I hope I made you proud. I know Meghan did.

P.S. I love you......

I am going to gather pictures of others who have gotten tattoos in your memory and make a slide show.

The days continue to be hard to get through. So much of my day to day life reminds me of you. I wake thinking of you and it seems my whole day is consumed with thoughts of you. My mind continues to try and put the puzzle and the unknown together. I have found it is not only me but so many that love you are desperate for answers. I say it so many times, I wish you had known in life just how many people loved you, thought so highly of you and needed and depended on you.
I guess I will never rest easy until I have the answers I need to make all this make sense.
I know God has told us, As and you shall receive and Baby I have asked a millions times. I know the answers will come in God's time but waiting is so hard but I know that God is true to His promises so I hold on and continue to believe.
I know you are so much better off than we are. You are safe and no one can ever hurt you again. You have made it to the promise you received the day you became a Christian. How wonderful that must be, I can only imagine.

Justin, I know I don't have to tell you how much yo mean to me. We had such a complete and honest understanding of our feelings for each other. We shared a bond that many could not understand and one that will never be broken.

I was thinking about how much fun we had the day we painted your bathroom.
You were so excited and quite amazed to find out one of my secrets, "Opps" paint and more amazed we found a color that you loved and matched your shower curtain. The changes came with some resistance but we were on a mission nothing . I remember your excitement and that "smile" Nothing could stop us. It reminds me of the song, Just to see you smile, I'd do anything.
I remember how proud you were when you sent me a finished picture. I'm looking for the picture and I will post it for anyone reading this that didn't hear about the bathroom.

That day was such a great memory. This is the day we spoke about your relationship with God, and you reconfirmed to me that even though you had not been living the life of a productive Christian, indeed your heart was right with God. It was not for me to judge your relationship, so as a mother, I was at peace to know that a personal relationship with God was important to you.
We shared many of our inter most feelings and we both wanted so much to fix each others hurts. When we realized that we couldn't fix them, we were content to know we had someone we could be so completely open and honest with and secure that we were loved flaws and all. I guess this is why I feel so lost. You no longer have to deal with your 'junk". Me, I am still here dealing with old junk and new junk and I don't have you here to call me with your pep talk or handling the drama that so many thrive in.
Believe me, you would be blowing a gasket with some of the drama I have been dealing with. I see now some of the issues you were dealing with.
I have chosen to pull back some and limit my involvement with those who cause me unnecessary stress. Especially now that it seems to be causing some health issues and it distracts me from remembering such wonderful memories like our last mother-son day.

and just so you know...I loved our bathroom makeover...a day I will never forget.

p.s...I Love You

Happy Birthday Baby Boy
It was your arrival into this world 28 years ago that gave me my official title of Mama.
It was a job that I been preparing for since I was a little girl.
As far back as I can remember, all I wanted to be was a mama.
Your dad was a little shocked when I announced I wanted to start a family so soon after we married but you know me, my mind was made up and I was ready to make my dream come true. I knew God had heard my prayers and had a very special soul chosen just for me.
You were a very unique and special 1st Anniversary gift and you continued to be unique and special all of your life.
The 27 years we shared together went way too quick and it was just not enough for me. I pray daily that God will reveal to me a small portion of understanding. I know you had so much to offer this world but I have to trust that God has a grander plan and you are a part of that plan.

This is an extremely hard day for me. Without God, our family and my support system I couldn't do it on my own. I have so many thoughts and feelings I want to share with you but I will do that later. I am not going to put a damper on this very special day. Your Special Day, My Special Day.

Jenny and I have a day planned with Camden. We are going to take him to Build a Bear to make a special birthday bear for you and then he wants to make you a cake.

We will be releasing 28 balloons and messages around 7:00pm in honor of your Birthday.

I will post pictures and tell you all about it, even though I know you will already know.

Happy Birthday Baby... Your mama loves and misses you more than I can put into words.

UPDATE:

Here is the cake Camden made for you

Here are your 28 balloons and a few extras for good measure

ps...I miss you

Today was a tough day and it seemed to get worse while I was working on this layout. I guess that is why I have put it off for awhile. As I looked at each picture I relived ever emotion from this day. Seeing the sadness in Camden's eyes just breaks my heart.
Justin, please stay close to your baby boy, he is missing you so much.

My mind can not comprehend how I will ever be able to overcome you being gone. I wll never understand.
I know this to be true, Life is not always fair but God is always God.

Hold me Jesus, cause I'm shaking like a leaf. You have been king of my glory won't you be my prince of peace

p.s. I Love You

It has been awhile since I have posted. I have written some but just haven't published them yet.

I will soon. I had something on my heart tonight and felt I needed to share.

I became a Christian at the age of 6, from that time I have heard over and over, through songs, messages and reading my bible that our ultimate goal is to make it to Heaven to share eternity with God. I have always loved singing about going to Heaven and dreaming about what it will be like. Just the thought of it can give me chills. It is what I long for and why I strive daily to keep in God's will for my life.
But it all seems so different when someone we love leaves us. When they have reached their finally destination, their ultimate goal and we are left here grieving our loss.

Corinne told me one day that she did not grieve for Justin and then worried that what she had said upset me. It didn't because once I processed what she had said, I realized that is what I was feeling. I don't grieve for Justin, because he has made it, he is basking in all the wonders of Heaven and is able to be in the midst of Jesus. It is me that I grieve for, my loss, my longing to hold him, to have him say, love ya mom, to have him call me early in the morning and say, time to get up lady, to see him playing with Camden or to even have one of our disagreements.

I have said as a mother it would be so selfish of me to want him to come back now that he has made it to paradise. Well, that is my spiritual side but I can tell you my flesh is selfish. I admit it.

I need to find a way to recalibrate my balance because right now my spirit and flesh are all out of whack. I find I am struggling to keep my head clear because the back and forth thoughts never stop. These emotions are the hardest things to try and explain to someone that has never lost a child. They are so intense and draining. Sometimes I find it easier to not try to explain and just stay by myself. It is not the healthiest thing to do but it is all I know to do right now and then I feel guilty for staying away. It is a roller coaster that never ends. It is true, you grieve as intensely as you loved.

A few days ago mama shared with me that she had an overwhelming feeling that she would be with Justin soon. My first response was, don't do this to me, not now and then I remembered how so many times I wished God would just come and get me but then I remembered those that would be left here and I would feel so torn. That thought brought on a whole new emotions and confusion. I love my mother so much and I would do anything I could to make her life better and to make her happy but I am just not ready to let her go. I know she has struggled through so many hardships in her life. I know she is probably worn and tired and what she has strived for all of her Christian life might be looking more appealing to her but I am selfish. The thought of losing a child and a mother is more than I can comprehend right now.

God is not the author of confusion, so I know it is not God's will for me to be living in this state of mind.

I am thankful that through my deepest heartbreak my faith in God has not faltered and that He understands me and my confusion and thankful that through grace he forgives me for my shortcomings and I pray He will bring peace and understanding to my heart and show me how to live again.

Death is such a personal experience for each individual. Everyone handles it differently and it depends greatly on which side of it you are on

I had a very restless night, strange clips of dreams that I am trying now to sort through.

When I woke up I remembered a song that was popular when Justin was little. A song that I use to sing to him during the time when we were seperated from each other.
Justin and I have had to endure and overcome so many obstacles.
I feel like someone has always been trying to take him away from me.
I am sure when I sang this song and it said, "when one of us gone and one of us is left to carry on", that I was sure it meant me, when I was gone, not Justin.

During that time I felt like I would die and I was dying inside because my baby, my little man wasn't with me. I wasn't sure how much more pain I could take. As bad as it was, I could never imagined it would only get worse.

When I sang this song, I wanted Justin to know about our special bond and to always remember how much I loved him when I was gone. It seems inconceivible it would me left here without him.



P.S. I Miss You

Dear Just,
It's 3:45am and I haven't been to bed. Camden came to visit tonight and as usual he always asks for me, Nana will you play that song for me? The song he says is yours and his song, "Heaven was needing a Hero" because you are his hero. I hesitated because I really wasn't sure if I could handle it tonight but he said I want to hear it because it will make me sleep better.
The minute the music started, he busted into tears and ran to me to hold him. I'm sure you can imagine what that did to me. He began to cry harder than I have ever heard him cry and kept telling me, Nana, I really miss my daddy and it really hurts my heart. When I told him how sorry I was and it breaks my heart that he is hurting and I was sorry that you were not here to hold him.
Bless his heart, he said, Nana I'm sorry too cause I know I am all you have left of my daddy.

Cam and I have always had an extremely close relationship but I know that our relationship has gone to another level. He is my closest connection to you and I am to him and our lose is different that anyone else. I have alway been able to fix anything that was ever wrong or hurting him but I can't do it this time and this makes me feel so inadequate and helpless.

I know that it will only be through the grace of God that we will surive the pain we feel because we don't have you here but right now I feel so weak. I am suppose the be the stong Christian grandparent that leads him by example but my grief overwhelms me to the point of almost being immobile and unable to function.

Maybe I am trying to hard. I know there are no words that anyone can say that lessens my pain so why should he be any different. Maybe I am just suppose to hold him and allow him to release his feelings. For now I guess I am his warm soft place to land because he doesn't have to explain why he feels the way he feels he can just release his deep hurt.

Justin, what is this dear sweet child going to do without you in his life. I told him tonight, because you are in our hearts we will keep your memory alive, but that is just not the same.
The other day Lesa asked him what he missed the most about his daddy and he told her, your hugs. He told me tonight, If I could just see my daddy one more time I would give him a really big hug and tell him I love him. He needs your physical touch.
We tell him that you are always around him and your presence is always with him but he needs to hear you cheering for him at his ballgames and to see you watching proudly as he graduates in a few weeks from kindergarden and all the other many milestones in his life. He needs to be able to come to you for guidence as he begins to grow up.
As much as we remind him and tell him all we can he will never completely know the man his father was and I can't fix it for either of us.

While I was writing this I began to reach for the phone to talk to you and I realized you're not here to help me work through this. It was that big gasp that takes my breath away when reality hits me right in the chest.

Oh my baby boy, your mama misses you so very very much. This journey is so much harder that I ever expected and I pray that God gives me the strength to make it through cause at the moment there is no end in sight.

Mama

P.S. I Love You

Picture by:
Cuztom Kaptures

The past days have been difficult and I am not looking forward to the days ahead. It seems like everything is reminding me of Justin and how much I miss him. It is so strange how I one day I can look at Justin's picture and I feel so sad and somedays I look at his picture and it almost takes my breath away. It is as though I am just realizing he is gone and I just can't rationalize it in my mind. How can my son be gone?

My heart hurts so much and I just can not find peace. I guess I never will because I will never know or understand exactly what happened the night he died. I have been told over and over by everyone that talked to him and saw him but the pieces that are missing are the minutes prior to his death. I wish someone could help me make sense of it all.

I know that everyone handles differently but so much of the time I feel as though I am in this crazy world of grieving by myself, I guess because it consumes me and I feel so guilty to those that are close to me but I just can't help my feelings. Everything seems so out of sync with how they should be. I just can not comprehend that I will never be able to hold Justin and he will never be able to hug me and we will never be able to tell each other, I love you until we meet in heaven. As much as I wish that could happen today, I realize that I have those here that I love also and I do have the opportunity to love them. I am so torn. I guess I am wishing it was time for Jesus to come and take us all to heaven.

It seems there are so many events that are coming up that I am dreading. Like mother's day, and then I feel so guilty, I don't want to dread it because it seems so unfair to my beautiful daughter, she needs to be able to experiencing these special days without feeling bad or seeing her mother upset and I need to be able to honor my own mother for being so special to me. but I feel like I just want to hibernate.

Meghan's graduation is coming up and as important as it is to Rick and I, it was very important to Justin. He was contanstly pushing her probably more than me to stay focused and get it done. He was always looking out for her and wanting the best for her. It's her day, but how am I going to get through.

I know that each day is a struggle to act "normal" but I guess I am just realizing that every holiday, every special day, every milestone is going to be an extreme challenge.

I am trying so hard to find my balance but I seem to fail all the time.

Lately I have been holding on to the saying, "I'm not crazy, I'm just grieving" but since all this is so new to me, I really wonder if this is true. I feel as though my brian is just not functioning. I feel as though I am aware of what people are saying to me at the time but within minutes I don't remember what I was told.
Poor Meghan, she not only is dealing with her own grief but having to accept that her mother is just not the same. Bless her heart, she tells me something and within minutes I am asking her the same question again. It is just like I am unable to retain anything.

I think I had a relapse when I started working on my acknowledgement cards. I avoided it for as long as I could, I finally designed the picture and then stopped, my cousin, Estie came to visit to help me get some things done and as far as I could get was to pick the cards out, that was it. My Jenny printed them for me and she helped assemble them but that was it, I had to stop.
When I finally pushed myself to start I could tell I was going backwards.. writing these cards forced me to accept the reality that this horrible thing had happened, I began to hear those words that continue to ring in my head the words that changed my life forever, I'm sorry....but we were unable to save your son. I think that is what followed, after hearing I'm sorry, I felt as though my heart was ripped out.
After working on them a week, I had only gotten half way through. The others are still sitting on the table. Rick has encouraged me to just sign the rest but I want to express my gratitude to each person on a personal basis.
The scary part is when I see someone and they mention receiving the card and thanking me for the words I had written, I can't remember what I wrote.

On our recent trip to Hilton Head, Rick and I shared a very special moment with Justin.



Being near ocean has always been the first place I want to be when I feel I need to find peace, so I felt it was the appropriate place for my first balloon release to Justin. I know that Rick had no idea what a balloon release was at first,but he didn't question me for reason, he simply followed me and offered support and compassion. While on the beach I feel he joined Justin and I in spirit which made it a beautiful experience.



My logical side knows that my message is not truly delivered to Justin, or can it? This new journey is all uncharted territory for me. I am seeking and searching for anything that makes me feel closer Justin. I know that I have to be careful which paths I travel because I know that I am so desperate to be near him I might open doors I do not need to enter.



I know many may not understand, but this is not about reason, this is about finding a way to heal a broken heart and trying to stay connected with with my son. In life, I expressed my love to him and I will continue to share my love in death...forever