The past days have been difficult and I am not looking forward to the days ahead. It seems like everything is reminding me of Justin and how much I miss him. It is so strange how I one day I can look at Justin's picture and I feel so sad and somedays I look at his picture and it almost takes my breath away. It is as though I am just realizing he is gone and I just can't rationalize it in my mind. How can my son be gone?

My heart hurts so much and I just can not find peace. I guess I never will because I will never know or understand exactly what happened the night he died. I have been told over and over by everyone that talked to him and saw him but the pieces that are missing are the minutes prior to his death. I wish someone could help me make sense of it all.

I know that everyone handles differently but so much of the time I feel as though I am in this crazy world of grieving by myself, I guess because it consumes me and I feel so guilty to those that are close to me but I just can't help my feelings. Everything seems so out of sync with how they should be. I just can not comprehend that I will never be able to hold Justin and he will never be able to hug me and we will never be able to tell each other, I love you until we meet in heaven. As much as I wish that could happen today, I realize that I have those here that I love also and I do have the opportunity to love them. I am so torn. I guess I am wishing it was time for Jesus to come and take us all to heaven.

It seems there are so many events that are coming up that I am dreading. Like mother's day, and then I feel so guilty, I don't want to dread it because it seems so unfair to my beautiful daughter, she needs to be able to experiencing these special days without feeling bad or seeing her mother upset and I need to be able to honor my own mother for being so special to me. but I feel like I just want to hibernate.

Meghan's graduation is coming up and as important as it is to Rick and I, it was very important to Justin. He was contanstly pushing her probably more than me to stay focused and get it done. He was always looking out for her and wanting the best for her. It's her day, but how am I going to get through.

I know that each day is a struggle to act "normal" but I guess I am just realizing that every holiday, every special day, every milestone is going to be an extreme challenge.

I am trying so hard to find my balance but I seem to fail all the time.