The days continue to be hard to get through. So much of my day to day life reminds me of you. I wake thinking of you and it seems my whole day is consumed with thoughts of you. My mind continues to try and put the puzzle and the unknown together. I have found it is not only me but so many that love you are desperate for answers. I say it so many times, I wish you had known in life just how many people loved you, thought so highly of you and needed and depended on you.
I guess I will never rest easy until I have the answers I need to make all this make sense.
I know God has told us, As and you shall receive and Baby I have asked a millions times. I know the answers will come in God's time but waiting is so hard but I know that God is true to His promises so I hold on and continue to believe.
I know you are so much better off than we are. You are safe and no one can ever hurt you again. You have made it to the promise you received the day you became a Christian. How wonderful that must be, I can only imagine.

Justin, I know I don't have to tell you how much yo mean to me. We had such a complete and honest understanding of our feelings for each other. We shared a bond that many could not understand and one that will never be broken.

I was thinking about how much fun we had the day we painted your bathroom.
You were so excited and quite amazed to find out one of my secrets, "Opps" paint and more amazed we found a color that you loved and matched your shower curtain. The changes came with some resistance but we were on a mission nothing . I remember your excitement and that "smile" Nothing could stop us. It reminds me of the song, Just to see you smile, I'd do anything.
I remember how proud you were when you sent me a finished picture. I'm looking for the picture and I will post it for anyone reading this that didn't hear about the bathroom.

That day was such a great memory. This is the day we spoke about your relationship with God, and you reconfirmed to me that even though you had not been living the life of a productive Christian, indeed your heart was right with God. It was not for me to judge your relationship, so as a mother, I was at peace to know that a personal relationship with God was important to you.
We shared many of our inter most feelings and we both wanted so much to fix each others hurts. When we realized that we couldn't fix them, we were content to know we had someone we could be so completely open and honest with and secure that we were loved flaws and all. I guess this is why I feel so lost. You no longer have to deal with your 'junk". Me, I am still here dealing with old junk and new junk and I don't have you here to call me with your pep talk or handling the drama that so many thrive in.
Believe me, you would be blowing a gasket with some of the drama I have been dealing with. I see now some of the issues you were dealing with.
I have chosen to pull back some and limit my involvement with those who cause me unnecessary stress. Especially now that it seems to be causing some health issues and it distracts me from remembering such wonderful memories like our last mother-son day.

and just so you know...I loved our bathroom makeover...a day I will never forget.

p.s...I Love You