I started humming a song in my head today at work.  I do that a lot & quote scripture when people I'm working with have an ill spirit & are zapping my flow of positive energy I have worked up to make it through the day.  Today the song, "It is Well with my Soul"   The song is a beautiful song, offering complete surrender to God's will in our lives.  It would seem to be exactly what any Christian would want to offer God.  

For me, I kept hearing the words playing over & over... as though it was taunting me...ripping through to my inner being.
All I could think of was, Justin & I. Immediately, I  could feel the mother deep inside of me... Screaming... No, it is not well with my soul... it is not well with any part of me. 

I began to think about the man who wrote the song, Horatio Staffird, a father who lost 4 daughters on the same day... How,  I wandered was he able "to be well" with such a lose.  It was said, he wrote the words on his journey to meet his wife after the tragic accident, was he in shock?  Was it because he had something I don't have with my relationship with God?  Was his faith greater? Was he not as connected with his children?  Was it because there were no questions surrounding their death?   

I've learned in my grieving process never to judge another grieving parents means of grieving.  but, I struggled to come to a logical explanation. It left me questioning so many things.  
Job also lost his children & all that he owned. He never doubted God & he never lost his faith or relationship with God... but I do not remember Job saying, it is well with soul.  His heart grieved. God did not think less of Job... He loved Job.  Job was special to him. & I believe just as a parent would, God hurt as he watched Job grieve the tremendous loss in His life.   
As I ponder this thought today, I do not think Horatio Staffird was a "better" christian than I am, or his relationship closer to God... it is how he chose to work through his pain and that is different for each person.  For me... It is not well with my soul... but my soul is well with God.   

The Blessing....Given an Opportunity For Justin's Voice to be Heard
The Torture.....Reliving the heart break..No mother should have to continue to endure this
The Fear....No one will hear me..No One will hear Justin
The Journey....Can't do it on my own so I'm Leaning on the everlasting arms of Jesus
The Request.....Justin, guide me through the information to tell your true story
The Prayer.....The veil will  finally be lifted, the truth be known, Justin and I can finally find peace
The Result.....In God's hands

My Dear Justin..It has been three years since you left me…and it is as though the doctor just walked into the room and said the words that took me by complete shock, sucked the air out of my lungs and changed my life forever. As I am sitting here now, I have an overwhelming mix of emotions and not all of them are good. I have tried very hard to work through some of these feeling and emotion because that is what I usually try to do but I’m not doing a good job at it anymore. So I’m going to shout it very loud, I’m Mad, I’m Angry and I want Justice. You were robbed of your life at the hand of another and they allowed the world to think differently to protect them self. No more will I sit by quietly, hoping the truth will reveal itself because not only were you robbed, so was I, and so was Dad and so was Camden and so was Meghan and so was your grandparents, and so were your brother and sister and so were your Aunts and Uncles and so were your cousins and so were your extended family and so were your friends and so were your co-workers and I could continue to go on and on but the fact is we were all robbed. The facts are the facts and the facts tell the truth.


I have had so many people tell me I need to move forward and live and as much as you loved me you wouldn’t want me to live my life this way. I know you wouldn’t want this for me and would have never put this on me. I also know you would expect me to stand up for what is right, to protect my children as I’ve always done and to never back down until everyone knows the truth. That day is here and that day is now. I can still hear what I heard so clearly in my ears when I returned from the hospital, your voice saying, My mama will figure this out…and that I have and the world needs to know.

There are many that have done an injustice to you and I have tried very hard to pray for them hoping they would do what was right but I have come to believe they may never do what is right. One very important lesson I always taught you was, you have to be accountable for your actions, good or bad. I always made it very clear, My love is unconditional and I will always stand beside you, but you have to be accountable for your own actions. It is now time for others to be accountable for their actions and I do not intend to back down until they are.

I promise you this, my son, when I am able to push forward my goal will be to help other hurting mothers. I will set up a foundation to help the families of domestic crime victims. No mother should ever have to go through the pain and torture I have and to be pushed to see and hear the things I have in order to restore the dignity of their child because those in the position to do so doesn’t do their job. I vow to not let your death be in vein or without merit. Together we will heal the hurts of others with God’s guidance.

Justin, I am so very lost without you. With all that has taken place since you went to be with Jesus, my foundation has been shaken. Some days I struggle to exist, other days I put on my mask and make it through. Some days I asked God if this is what my life is going to be, why must I stay? And then I get that message in my soul, I have something special I need you to do but you’re not ready yet. So I wait and pray to prepare myself so I remain ready and open for God’s calling.

Today at 4:00 your baby boy, who now does not want to be called that because as he tells me, Nana I’m not a baby anymore, so I will say, Your handsome young son, who looks and acts just like you, wants to meet at Comcast today to release blue balloons for his daddy, because he knows it’s your favorite color and he knows you were Mr. Comcast. He misses you so much. I am so sad that the man he needs so desperately in his life right now was taken from him. I know I don’t have to tell you but very close to your “baby boy”

To my Baby Boy…your mama loves you with all her heart and she misses you every hour and every minute of every day. I want you to know, I have never let you down before and I refuse to start now. I will do whatever I have to do to keep my promise to you. Please continue to let me sense your presence; I need to know you are always close. I thank God each time He allows you to hold me... it is a beyond words experience….

Today we will celebrate your special day.  Camden has planned a party and has made it very clear to all of us that he wants 30 balloons sent all the way to heaven .  So be on the look out and know your little man loves you, misses you and will never forget the special man in his life..his daddy.

I'm finding every holiday and event to be a heart breaking experience so I try to avoid as many as I can but I'm glad that Camden was adamant to have a party for you because I knew there was no way I could just hide away.  I also decided I needed to to find a day that I could be happy and I decided that day will be the day my children and grandson were born.  It is because of these births, my life was changed and my dreams came true..I became a Mama and a Nana.

You always picked at me for writing a letter for Meghan's 16th birthday..  I promised you at your next big birthday I would write one for you....So today at your party this is the letter I read...

I saw a key chain a few months ago, that said, Live Life Like it Matters. With all that has gone in the last 2 years; when I read it, my first thought was, Yeah Right!!! Does it really matter?

All through the night I couldn’t get the saying out of my head. As I laid down and closed my eyes, I could hear the words whispered to me…it was then that it hit me. That was Justin and that is how he lived.
Justin loved life and he lived everyday like it mattered. Needless to say, I went back the next day to buy the key chain to remind me every day to Live like it Matters.

There has not been a day since Justin left that I have not been sad. Sometimes I can hide it, other days I can’t; but either way, it is always there.
After reflecting on what life meant to Justin, I made a decision. On this one day, the day of his birth, I will put the sadness aside and celebrate Justin’s life.
30 years ago today, God entrusted me with a very special gift, a precious baby boy. I had no way of knowing when I first looked into his eyes that this child would have such an impact on so many lives but I knew my life was forever changed.
Justin loved his family and his friends and when you were loved my Justin, you knew you were loved. He had a unique way of loving each person how they needed to be loved.

Justin loved all the women in his life and I was one of the fortunate to experience his unconditional love. Now I’m not going to paint an unrealistic picture that we never had our issues, because we did. We could fuss, argue and disagree like none other. The great thing was, we were secure enough in our love that nothing could change that. We would argue, he would leave and shortly thereafter I could always expect a call that went something like,
Woman, you make me so angry, but I love you and you know I can’t deal with you being upset with me…so don’t be mad..You hear me and by the way..You know I was right, don’t you?
Did I mention Justin never liked to be wrong? I’m sure everyone experienced that trait.
Right or wrong, my baby boy loved his mama.

No matter how much he loved the rest of us, we all had to take a step back when Cam Man came into our lives. Justin loved and adored Camden with a love few could understand and he vowed to be the best father he could be and to make a difference in his life. You could see the pride in his eyes when he looked at him or even spoke about him. Camden, I can assure you, your daddy loved you and continues to watch over you.

That is how Justin was, he loved BIG and he didn’t mind showing it. One time Nanny asked Camden what he missed most about his daddy and he said his hugs. He was so right, he had the best hugs.


So today we celebrate Justin’s brief but wonderful and meaningful life and what he meant to us because it was different for each of us.

Justin is not here as he was but he has not left us. He is here every day, still watching over us and loving us as he always did. I know this to be true…

I may not have seen him in my dreams like some have but..
I have been on my porch and had my wind chimes begin to chime when there was no wind.
I have had feathers float down on me from out of nowhere.
I have smelt the wonderful smell of unexplained baby powder.
I had a necklace laying on my nightstand made into a perfect heart and
I have awoke to find a piece of a cardboard box in my hand, giving me the push I needed to get out of my funk and get my packing done and to move on to the next phase of my life.

So he hasn’t left us. You just have to open your eyes, your senses and your heart and you will feel him close to you.

PS...I Love You....

I know you already know but I had to try and put words how I feel about my "Special Gift"
It's long getting to the point but bear with me, you know I have the "need" to express my feelings. I know you are smiling at me right now, along with the, "come on woman, pay attention" remark

God just never ceases to amaze me. So many days I feel so small and so insignificant. I know God loves me and that in itself is a privilege that I know I am not worthy of but am so deeply grateful for.

There are days though, I want to feel so special to Him. I cannot even try to comprehend the vastness of God and how He hears the prayers of each of His children and how he is able to answer to the needs of each of us. I am being very honest though, when I say; there are days, when I want to feel that God has complete focus on me; I know that He does and I know that He cares deeply about me and my broken heart but what I have needed is to feel that I am so special and precious to Him that He would reveal His love to me in a special way. In such a way that would bring some peace in my heart and offer some hope.

Today I realized He has been trying to show me for the last week.
Justin, I have so needed to hear your strong and unwavering advice, your unfailing encouragement, your loving and sometimes funny compliments and your tough and stoic pushes when I would allow myself to pull away and shut down when life wasn’t so nice to me. You always knew God is number one to me but I was ever grateful that He allowed you to be the man in the flesh that would be the one I could run to, to wipe my tears and get me going again.

I have prayed so many times for God to allow me to see you, to hear you and to feel you. I truly depended on you way more than I ever realized. I know in my heart it was because of the unconditional love we shared with each other and security we shared knowing we always had each other’s back. We each knew that when we spoke it was from the heart but we also didn’t hold back on the truth and when it was all said and done we could still walk away knowing the love remained the same and nothing could every break our bond, the bond between this mother and her son.

Dealing with all the lies, betrayals and loneliness I have found myself crying out to God and I think at times begging Him to allow you to visit me. The dance was wonderful and unforgettable but even though I knew it was you I needed more. I have needed to hear you speak to me. With all that has been going on and all the uncertainty of where life is headed for me, I catch myself saying, if Justin were just here to tell me what to do.

Well my feather from Heaven came today when I realized this new song I kept hearing was wrttien for me. I believe in my heart it is a message from you. God in His awesomeness has yet again amazed me in how he chose to answer my prayer.

I have been hearing this song on the radio but it wasn’t until this morning when I sat down to get ready and all was quite it came on again. This time when it did I began to remember how ironic it was that recently when I was by myself and quite, in the morning getting dressed, in the car or going to bed, this song came on. It caused me to really pay close attention to the words. When I did, I all I could do was praise Jesus for showing His love to me in such a beautiful way. I cried knowing that these would be words you would speak to me and I know God orchestrated all of this for me, not just so I would know He loves me but that I could feel His love for me.

Thank you Jesus, for allowing Justin to speak such needed words to me. Thank you Sidewalk Prophets, for being the vessel and allowing God to use you in such a meaningful way.

You can listen to the song Here

The Words I Would Say
Three in the morning, and I’m still awake
So I picked up a pen and a page
And I started writing just what I’d say
If we were face to face

I’d tell you just what you mean to me
Tell you these simple truths

CHORUS
Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You’re gonna do great things
I already know
God’s got His hand on You
So don’t live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don’t forget why you’re here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say

Last time we spoke you said you were hurting
And I felt your pain in my heart
I want to tell you that I keep on praying
That love will find you where you are
I know cause I’ve already been there
So please hear these simple truths

CHORUS

Say… from one simple life to another
I will say… come find peace in the Father
Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You’re gonna do great things
I already know
God’s got His hand on You
So don’t live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don’t forget why you’re here
Take your time and pray
And thank God for each day
His love will find a way
These are the words I would say