Meghan's 18th Birthday and yet another huge bitter sweet event.

Today is the day that was planned 3 years ago. You would be taking her for her first tattoo. Who could have imagined the plans would all change to a memorial tattoo.

I felt at such a lose as to how to make this happen.

Meghan decided this picture is what she wanted. Taking the truck out.

I knew that DJ was suppose to be the artist but trying to coordinate the trip seemed to be unsuccessful. I did stay in contact with DJ for guidance and he really did try to guide me but this just wasn't something I was suppose to be helping her make decisions on.

Jenny and Meg went to see Matt and I appreciate his honesty in not feeling comfortable in doing the portrait. He suggested a guy named Christian at Dermagraphics and after looking at his work I felt he could accomplish what we wanted but to be honest I was so scared. I was agreeing for someone to tattoo our little girl that you had never met or even mentioned. What if I agreed and I was making the wrong decision. I knew Chris and I knew you trusted him. In fact this is where you took me for my tattoo (we won't go there, lol) but I was still scared.

You know me, I had to be mama and I emailed Christian with my concerns and what this meant to all of us. He emailed me back and offered some reassurance but I just didn't have the peace I needed. I know you heard me fussing about this being left for me to do and this just was not an area that I am versed in. I guess I was expecting you to send me direction and approval.

We went to meet Christian, and guess what, he was in the room where you took me.

I asked him how many emails he had gotten from mama's in the past. He laughed and said not many, lol.

He was so patient and calm with all of our questions and concerns. I feel that he went the extra mile to make this a special experience for Meghan in spite of the circumstances.

Because it was so important that Meghan got the tattoo on her birthday, he offered to come in on his day off. I truly think he could feel the pain in our hearts this was causing and his compassion was remarkable.

I began to feel a slight ease and could hear you saying, Relax Mama, It Will All Be Good.

When we got there, Meghan's adrenaline was pumping. She had fear mixed with excitement and sadness. As much as she had been told that where she wanted the tattoo was going to be so hard on her, she was determined that she was going to, Man Up, and make you proud. Proud that his little sister could do what many can't do.

Christian shared some laughs with Meg before they started. This was her first signature as a legal adult.

Placement was very important. We wanted your picture closer to her back to signify the fact that you always had her back. but because Meghan is so petite there wasn't alot of room to work with.

On with the IPOD and the tattoo begins....


As I sat there holding Meghan's hand, she was squeezing my hand hard as she was getting use to the needle. She would look at me and I could see the sadness in her eyes. It was not from pain, it was because you were not there. It was then I placed your heart urn in her hand and told her you were there with her and to squeeze the heart and she would be squeezing your hand. After that she calmed down and relaxed.

Halfway through....I really do think that Christian thought that would be all she could take at one time. Not Meghan...she was determined to finish it today.

Thank goodness Christian was so patient that he allowed Miss Text Queen to answer a few messages.

The finished tattoo. It is so hard to get a good picture because of the placement, half on back and around the side to front.

I really do think you would be pleased. I hope I made you proud. I know Meghan did.

P.S. I love you......

I am going to gather pictures of others who have gotten tattoos in your memory and make a slide show.

The days continue to be hard to get through. So much of my day to day life reminds me of you. I wake thinking of you and it seems my whole day is consumed with thoughts of you. My mind continues to try and put the puzzle and the unknown together. I have found it is not only me but so many that love you are desperate for answers. I say it so many times, I wish you had known in life just how many people loved you, thought so highly of you and needed and depended on you.
I guess I will never rest easy until I have the answers I need to make all this make sense.
I know God has told us, As and you shall receive and Baby I have asked a millions times. I know the answers will come in God's time but waiting is so hard but I know that God is true to His promises so I hold on and continue to believe.
I know you are so much better off than we are. You are safe and no one can ever hurt you again. You have made it to the promise you received the day you became a Christian. How wonderful that must be, I can only imagine.

Justin, I know I don't have to tell you how much yo mean to me. We had such a complete and honest understanding of our feelings for each other. We shared a bond that many could not understand and one that will never be broken.

I was thinking about how much fun we had the day we painted your bathroom.
You were so excited and quite amazed to find out one of my secrets, "Opps" paint and more amazed we found a color that you loved and matched your shower curtain. The changes came with some resistance but we were on a mission nothing . I remember your excitement and that "smile" Nothing could stop us. It reminds me of the song, Just to see you smile, I'd do anything.
I remember how proud you were when you sent me a finished picture. I'm looking for the picture and I will post it for anyone reading this that didn't hear about the bathroom.

That day was such a great memory. This is the day we spoke about your relationship with God, and you reconfirmed to me that even though you had not been living the life of a productive Christian, indeed your heart was right with God. It was not for me to judge your relationship, so as a mother, I was at peace to know that a personal relationship with God was important to you.
We shared many of our inter most feelings and we both wanted so much to fix each others hurts. When we realized that we couldn't fix them, we were content to know we had someone we could be so completely open and honest with and secure that we were loved flaws and all. I guess this is why I feel so lost. You no longer have to deal with your 'junk". Me, I am still here dealing with old junk and new junk and I don't have you here to call me with your pep talk or handling the drama that so many thrive in.
Believe me, you would be blowing a gasket with some of the drama I have been dealing with. I see now some of the issues you were dealing with.
I have chosen to pull back some and limit my involvement with those who cause me unnecessary stress. Especially now that it seems to be causing some health issues and it distracts me from remembering such wonderful memories like our last mother-son day.

and just so you know...I loved our bathroom makeover...a day I will never forget.

p.s...I Love You

Happy Birthday Baby Boy
It was your arrival into this world 28 years ago that gave me my official title of Mama.
It was a job that I been preparing for since I was a little girl.
As far back as I can remember, all I wanted to be was a mama.
Your dad was a little shocked when I announced I wanted to start a family so soon after we married but you know me, my mind was made up and I was ready to make my dream come true. I knew God had heard my prayers and had a very special soul chosen just for me.
You were a very unique and special 1st Anniversary gift and you continued to be unique and special all of your life.
The 27 years we shared together went way too quick and it was just not enough for me. I pray daily that God will reveal to me a small portion of understanding. I know you had so much to offer this world but I have to trust that God has a grander plan and you are a part of that plan.

This is an extremely hard day for me. Without God, our family and my support system I couldn't do it on my own. I have so many thoughts and feelings I want to share with you but I will do that later. I am not going to put a damper on this very special day. Your Special Day, My Special Day.

Jenny and I have a day planned with Camden. We are going to take him to Build a Bear to make a special birthday bear for you and then he wants to make you a cake.

We will be releasing 28 balloons and messages around 7:00pm in honor of your Birthday.

I will post pictures and tell you all about it, even though I know you will already know.

Happy Birthday Baby... Your mama loves and misses you more than I can put into words.

UPDATE:

Here is the cake Camden made for you

Here are your 28 balloons and a few extras for good measure

ps...I miss you