The past days have been difficult and I am not looking forward to the days ahead. It seems like everything is reminding me of Justin and how much I miss him. It is so strange how I one day I can look at Justin's picture and I feel so sad and somedays I look at his picture and it almost takes my breath away. It is as though I am just realizing he is gone and I just can't rationalize it in my mind. How can my son be gone?

My heart hurts so much and I just can not find peace. I guess I never will because I will never know or understand exactly what happened the night he died. I have been told over and over by everyone that talked to him and saw him but the pieces that are missing are the minutes prior to his death. I wish someone could help me make sense of it all.

I know that everyone handles differently but so much of the time I feel as though I am in this crazy world of grieving by myself, I guess because it consumes me and I feel so guilty to those that are close to me but I just can't help my feelings. Everything seems so out of sync with how they should be. I just can not comprehend that I will never be able to hold Justin and he will never be able to hug me and we will never be able to tell each other, I love you until we meet in heaven. As much as I wish that could happen today, I realize that I have those here that I love also and I do have the opportunity to love them. I am so torn. I guess I am wishing it was time for Jesus to come and take us all to heaven.

It seems there are so many events that are coming up that I am dreading. Like mother's day, and then I feel so guilty, I don't want to dread it because it seems so unfair to my beautiful daughter, she needs to be able to experiencing these special days without feeling bad or seeing her mother upset and I need to be able to honor my own mother for being so special to me. but I feel like I just want to hibernate.

Meghan's graduation is coming up and as important as it is to Rick and I, it was very important to Justin. He was contanstly pushing her probably more than me to stay focused and get it done. He was always looking out for her and wanting the best for her. It's her day, but how am I going to get through.

I know that each day is a struggle to act "normal" but I guess I am just realizing that every holiday, every special day, every milestone is going to be an extreme challenge.

I am trying so hard to find my balance but I seem to fail all the time.

Lately I have been holding on to the saying, "I'm not crazy, I'm just grieving" but since all this is so new to me, I really wonder if this is true. I feel as though my brian is just not functioning. I feel as though I am aware of what people are saying to me at the time but within minutes I don't remember what I was told.
Poor Meghan, she not only is dealing with her own grief but having to accept that her mother is just not the same. Bless her heart, she tells me something and within minutes I am asking her the same question again. It is just like I am unable to retain anything.

I think I had a relapse when I started working on my acknowledgement cards. I avoided it for as long as I could, I finally designed the picture and then stopped, my cousin, Estie came to visit to help me get some things done and as far as I could get was to pick the cards out, that was it. My Jenny printed them for me and she helped assemble them but that was it, I had to stop.
When I finally pushed myself to start I could tell I was going backwards.. writing these cards forced me to accept the reality that this horrible thing had happened, I began to hear those words that continue to ring in my head the words that changed my life forever, I'm sorry....but we were unable to save your son. I think that is what followed, after hearing I'm sorry, I felt as though my heart was ripped out.
After working on them a week, I had only gotten half way through. The others are still sitting on the table. Rick has encouraged me to just sign the rest but I want to express my gratitude to each person on a personal basis.
The scary part is when I see someone and they mention receiving the card and thanking me for the words I had written, I can't remember what I wrote.

On our recent trip to Hilton Head, Rick and I shared a very special moment with Justin.



Being near ocean has always been the first place I want to be when I feel I need to find peace, so I felt it was the appropriate place for my first balloon release to Justin. I know that Rick had no idea what a balloon release was at first,but he didn't question me for reason, he simply followed me and offered support and compassion. While on the beach I feel he joined Justin and I in spirit which made it a beautiful experience.



My logical side knows that my message is not truly delivered to Justin, or can it? This new journey is all uncharted territory for me. I am seeking and searching for anything that makes me feel closer Justin. I know that I have to be careful which paths I travel because I know that I am so desperate to be near him I might open doors I do not need to enter.



I know many may not understand, but this is not about reason, this is about finding a way to heal a broken heart and trying to stay connected with with my son. In life, I expressed my love to him and I will continue to share my love in death...forever