I know you already know but I had to try and put words how I feel about my "Special Gift"
It's long getting to the point but bear with me, you know I have the "need" to express my feelings. I know you are smiling at me right now, along with the, "come on woman, pay attention" remark

God just never ceases to amaze me. So many days I feel so small and so insignificant. I know God loves me and that in itself is a privilege that I know I am not worthy of but am so deeply grateful for.

There are days though, I want to feel so special to Him. I cannot even try to comprehend the vastness of God and how He hears the prayers of each of His children and how he is able to answer to the needs of each of us. I am being very honest though, when I say; there are days, when I want to feel that God has complete focus on me; I know that He does and I know that He cares deeply about me and my broken heart but what I have needed is to feel that I am so special and precious to Him that He would reveal His love to me in a special way. In such a way that would bring some peace in my heart and offer some hope.

Today I realized He has been trying to show me for the last week.
Justin, I have so needed to hear your strong and unwavering advice, your unfailing encouragement, your loving and sometimes funny compliments and your tough and stoic pushes when I would allow myself to pull away and shut down when life wasn’t so nice to me. You always knew God is number one to me but I was ever grateful that He allowed you to be the man in the flesh that would be the one I could run to, to wipe my tears and get me going again.

I have prayed so many times for God to allow me to see you, to hear you and to feel you. I truly depended on you way more than I ever realized. I know in my heart it was because of the unconditional love we shared with each other and security we shared knowing we always had each other’s back. We each knew that when we spoke it was from the heart but we also didn’t hold back on the truth and when it was all said and done we could still walk away knowing the love remained the same and nothing could every break our bond, the bond between this mother and her son.

Dealing with all the lies, betrayals and loneliness I have found myself crying out to God and I think at times begging Him to allow you to visit me. The dance was wonderful and unforgettable but even though I knew it was you I needed more. I have needed to hear you speak to me. With all that has been going on and all the uncertainty of where life is headed for me, I catch myself saying, if Justin were just here to tell me what to do.

Well my feather from Heaven came today when I realized this new song I kept hearing was wrttien for me. I believe in my heart it is a message from you. God in His awesomeness has yet again amazed me in how he chose to answer my prayer.

I have been hearing this song on the radio but it wasn’t until this morning when I sat down to get ready and all was quite it came on again. This time when it did I began to remember how ironic it was that recently when I was by myself and quite, in the morning getting dressed, in the car or going to bed, this song came on. It caused me to really pay close attention to the words. When I did, I all I could do was praise Jesus for showing His love to me in such a beautiful way. I cried knowing that these would be words you would speak to me and I know God orchestrated all of this for me, not just so I would know He loves me but that I could feel His love for me.

Thank you Jesus, for allowing Justin to speak such needed words to me. Thank you Sidewalk Prophets, for being the vessel and allowing God to use you in such a meaningful way.

You can listen to the song Here

The Words I Would Say
Three in the morning, and I’m still awake
So I picked up a pen and a page
And I started writing just what I’d say
If we were face to face

I’d tell you just what you mean to me
Tell you these simple truths

CHORUS
Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You’re gonna do great things
I already know
God’s got His hand on You
So don’t live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don’t forget why you’re here
Take your time and pray
These are the words I would say

Last time we spoke you said you were hurting
And I felt your pain in my heart
I want to tell you that I keep on praying
That love will find you where you are
I know cause I’ve already been there
So please hear these simple truths

CHORUS

Say… from one simple life to another
I will say… come find peace in the Father
Be strong in the Lord
And never give up hope
You’re gonna do great things
I already know
God’s got His hand on You
So don’t live life in fear
Forgive and forget
But don’t forget why you’re here
Take your time and pray
And thank God for each day
His love will find a way
These are the words I would say

Hello My Sweet Angel
I have so much to share with you. I have been writing letters in my head but it's just too much to keep up with and contained.
Your birthday hit me hard and I have come to accept that it always will. If I ever told you concerning any situation that you were in that time will heal, I was wrong. I know that is hard for you to believe:) I now realize that only God can heal and He has not chosen that path for me right now. Maybe because your words still ring in my ear "my mother with figure this out" and Bubba, I still don't have all the pieces to the puzzle yet but please remember there has never been a promise I made to you that I didn't keep. I admit at the moment it seems bigger than me so I struggle with guilt because I feel like I have let you down but if it is with my last breath I will continue to search for the truth for your honor. I pray daily for God to remove the veil that hides the truth and I trust and believe God will show mercy as He has so many times.

I know in my birthday letter I asked you to please find special favor with God so He would allow me to see you and even though I could not see your face yesterday, I know that it was you dancing in that field with me, I could feel you, I could sense you, a indescribable peace came over me and joy filled my heart. I do not even remember the drive to church. Thankfully God was in control. I know God blessed me and once again showed me how much he loves me. I was very excited about mine and Meghan's decision to reaffirm our faith and join our new church but once again saddened you were not here in the flesh to share it with us. I know this is why God allowed me to feel you in such a way to comfort me with a peace so I could keep it together and to let me know you were with me and rejoicing for us.

You would really like the church we are going to, The Quest, I really believe it would have been one that you would have felt so comfortable at. There is no judgement, only the greatest out pouring of love. I feel like God has given this community dabs of glue that they freely admisinster, in hopes of helping us with our brokeness. Meghan has really connected there and I see her searching and hungry for God and to find the path he has for her. It is a very difficult time for her, not having the men see looked up to present in her life but I am happy that it is God she is reaching for and as it should be God should be number one in her life. Bless Ryan (yes you would like him and approve) he has been so patient and understanding and I feel he truly loves her and in a pure way. That is one thing that you and I had many conversations about and I feel confident that he respects her and her vow for purity. Which has always been important to her. (and us :)

Today was Camden's first day of 2nd grade, I haven't spoken to him yet but he is so much like you, I am sure he was instructing the teacher how this year should go.
Oh Justin, you would just be amazed at how much he is like you. The other day Brandon and I were watching him from a distance and we both looked at each other and said, Oh My Gosh, That is Justin. His humor, his mannerisms, his knowledge, his body structure and of course his ears. All you. I was so afraid that he would lose so much of that since you weren't here for him to mimic but its there, deeply seeded. As I must remind myself he is his own person and I have to allow him to be Camden, he is a mirror of you. Some days it makes me really sad and other days it brings great comfort.

It was so hard talking to him the other day, explaining to him about the divorce and my moving. In some ways I think he has known but just really didn't understand but hearing the words and trying to grasp the reality of it was so hard for him. His fear of losing his Papa and him not being able to have the memories with you in this house. Of course he was concerned about his things once again as he still hasn't gotten the things from your house that he wanted. He is very bitter and angry about that situation but Lesa assures me that she is working on it. She has quit work which I think will be a positive for Camden. It will help with his sense of stability. I think you would be happy about this decision and what it will mean for Camden.

I have been repeating this verse in my head for weeks now, Tears may flow through the night but Joy comes in the morning. Oh how I dread nights I seem to be tortured most then or maybe I try to appear as though I am functioning during the day and when the world goes to bed is when I can pour out my anguish but I hold on to the promise that it will pass and Joy will return.

Oh there is so much more to tell you and I want to get it out while my head is clear for the moment. I promise I will share more soon.
Today I mainly wanted to thank God and thank you for that brief but unforgettable moment I shared with you yesterday.

Justin, I am missing you so much

If The Truth Were Known

The mask I wear, helps me through the day
when asked, I'm just fine I say.
When the truth is just the opposite
I can hardly find my way

No one knows the pain
That’s hidden behind these eyes
No one sees the tears that are buried deep inside
Only God can heal my broken heart that continually cries

I’ve heard the words over and over again
The famous quote "Time will always heal"
How I wish those words were actually true,
But as for me, the pain is still as real.

It feels like yesterday when I heard those awful words
I’m sorry, Mrs. Whitaker, We could not save your son
In that very moment my life forever changed
I will never be the same again, this I know is true

The pain in my heart grows deeper each day
My heart is forever broken
With the emptiness of loss no one really knows.
And the answer to my questions that are never spoken.

Oh, the lies I have told!
I am just fine; I say
When if the truth was known
I cannot find my way.

PS..I Love You...