I had a very restless night, strange clips of dreams that I am trying now to sort through.

When I woke up I remembered a song that was popular when Justin was little. A song that I use to sing to him during the time when we were seperated from each other.
Justin and I have had to endure and overcome so many obstacles.
I feel like someone has always been trying to take him away from me.
I am sure when I sang this song and it said, "when one of us gone and one of us is left to carry on", that I was sure it meant me, when I was gone, not Justin.

During that time I felt like I would die and I was dying inside because my baby, my little man wasn't with me. I wasn't sure how much more pain I could take. As bad as it was, I could never imagined it would only get worse.

When I sang this song, I wanted Justin to know about our special bond and to always remember how much I loved him when I was gone. It seems inconceivible it would me left here without him.



P.S. I Miss You

Dear Just,
It's 3:45am and I haven't been to bed. Camden came to visit tonight and as usual he always asks for me, Nana will you play that song for me? The song he says is yours and his song, "Heaven was needing a Hero" because you are his hero. I hesitated because I really wasn't sure if I could handle it tonight but he said I want to hear it because it will make me sleep better.
The minute the music started, he busted into tears and ran to me to hold him. I'm sure you can imagine what that did to me. He began to cry harder than I have ever heard him cry and kept telling me, Nana, I really miss my daddy and it really hurts my heart. When I told him how sorry I was and it breaks my heart that he is hurting and I was sorry that you were not here to hold him.
Bless his heart, he said, Nana I'm sorry too cause I know I am all you have left of my daddy.

Cam and I have always had an extremely close relationship but I know that our relationship has gone to another level. He is my closest connection to you and I am to him and our lose is different that anyone else. I have alway been able to fix anything that was ever wrong or hurting him but I can't do it this time and this makes me feel so inadequate and helpless.

I know that it will only be through the grace of God that we will surive the pain we feel because we don't have you here but right now I feel so weak. I am suppose the be the stong Christian grandparent that leads him by example but my grief overwhelms me to the point of almost being immobile and unable to function.

Maybe I am trying to hard. I know there are no words that anyone can say that lessens my pain so why should he be any different. Maybe I am just suppose to hold him and allow him to release his feelings. For now I guess I am his warm soft place to land because he doesn't have to explain why he feels the way he feels he can just release his deep hurt.

Justin, what is this dear sweet child going to do without you in his life. I told him tonight, because you are in our hearts we will keep your memory alive, but that is just not the same.
The other day Lesa asked him what he missed the most about his daddy and he told her, your hugs. He told me tonight, If I could just see my daddy one more time I would give him a really big hug and tell him I love him. He needs your physical touch.
We tell him that you are always around him and your presence is always with him but he needs to hear you cheering for him at his ballgames and to see you watching proudly as he graduates in a few weeks from kindergarden and all the other many milestones in his life. He needs to be able to come to you for guidence as he begins to grow up.
As much as we remind him and tell him all we can he will never completely know the man his father was and I can't fix it for either of us.

While I was writing this I began to reach for the phone to talk to you and I realized you're not here to help me work through this. It was that big gasp that takes my breath away when reality hits me right in the chest.

Oh my baby boy, your mama misses you so very very much. This journey is so much harder that I ever expected and I pray that God gives me the strength to make it through cause at the moment there is no end in sight.

Mama

P.S. I Love You

Picture by:
Cuztom Kaptures