Hello My Sweet Angel
I have so much to share with you. I have been writing letters in my head but it's just too much to keep up with and contained.
Your birthday hit me hard and I have come to accept that it always will. If I ever told you concerning any situation that you were in that time will heal, I was wrong. I know that is hard for you to believe:) I now realize that only God can heal and He has not chosen that path for me right now. Maybe because your words still ring in my ear "my mother with figure this out" and Bubba, I still don't have all the pieces to the puzzle yet but please remember there has never been a promise I made to you that I didn't keep. I admit at the moment it seems bigger than me so I struggle with guilt because I feel like I have let you down but if it is with my last breath I will continue to search for the truth for your honor. I pray daily for God to remove the veil that hides the truth and I trust and believe God will show mercy as He has so many times.
I know in my birthday letter I asked you to please find special favor with God so He would allow me to see you and even though I could not see your face yesterday, I know that it was you dancing in that field with me, I could feel you, I could sense you, a indescribable peace came over me and joy filled my heart. I do not even remember the drive to church. Thankfully God was in control. I know God blessed me and once again showed me how much he loves me. I was very excited about mine and Meghan's decision to reaffirm our faith and join our new church but once again saddened you were not here in the flesh to share it with us. I know this is why God allowed me to feel you in such a way to comfort me with a peace so I could keep it together and to let me know you were with me and rejoicing for us.
You would really like the church we are going to, The Quest, I really believe it would have been one that you would have felt so comfortable at. There is no judgement, only the greatest out pouring of love. I feel like God has given this community dabs of glue that they freely admisinster, in hopes of helping us with our brokeness. Meghan has really connected there and I see her searching and hungry for God and to find the path he has for her. It is a very difficult time for her, not having the men see looked up to present in her life but I am happy that it is God she is reaching for and as it should be God should be number one in her life. Bless Ryan (yes you would like him and approve) he has been so patient and understanding and I feel he truly loves her and in a pure way. That is one thing that you and I had many conversations about and I feel confident that he respects her and her vow for purity. Which has always been important to her. (and us :)
Today was Camden's first day of 2nd grade, I haven't spoken to him yet but he is so much like you, I am sure he was instructing the teacher how this year should go.
Oh Justin, you would just be amazed at how much he is like you. The other day Brandon and I were watching him from a distance and we both looked at each other and said, Oh My Gosh, That is Justin. His humor, his mannerisms, his knowledge, his body structure and of course his ears. All you. I was so afraid that he would lose so much of that since you weren't here for him to mimic but its there, deeply seeded. As I must remind myself he is his own person and I have to allow him to be Camden, he is a mirror of you. Some days it makes me really sad and other days it brings great comfort.
It was so hard talking to him the other day, explaining to him about the divorce and my moving. In some ways I think he has known but just really didn't understand but hearing the words and trying to grasp the reality of it was so hard for him. His fear of losing his Papa and him not being able to have the memories with you in this house. Of course he was concerned about his things once again as he still hasn't gotten the things from your house that he wanted. He is very bitter and angry about that situation but Lesa assures me that she is working on it. She has quit work which I think will be a positive for Camden. It will help with his sense of stability. I think you would be happy about this decision and what it will mean for Camden.
I have been repeating this verse in my head for weeks now, Tears may flow through the night but Joy comes in the morning. Oh how I dread nights I seem to be tortured most then or maybe I try to appear as though I am functioning during the day and when the world goes to bed is when I can pour out my anguish but I hold on to the promise that it will pass and Joy will return.
Oh there is so much more to tell you and I want to get it out while my head is clear for the moment. I promise I will share more soon.
Today I mainly wanted to thank God and thank you for that brief but unforgettable moment I shared with you yesterday.
